I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
