So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
