She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
