i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
