Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
