I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
