listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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