just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
