i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
