I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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