he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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