my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
