I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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