im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
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