I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Randomize
