He is such a slut. More and more my type.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
