insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
