and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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