the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
