this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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