I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
