What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I need to align my fucking chakras
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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