How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
