yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
