everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
