Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
