I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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