i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
