What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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