Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
