yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
