I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
