I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
