11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Boobs speak an international language.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
