Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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