Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
