You can't special order awesome
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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