Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize