hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
