nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Randomize
