Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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