I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
