I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
