i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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