i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
