If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
