So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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