i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
