If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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