aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You're like the curious george of whores
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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