hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
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Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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