Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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