and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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