FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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