get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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