I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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