after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
