i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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