I think im going to throw up on grandma
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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